First published November 7th, 2005.
--Hey Mike, I'm starving, you wanna eat?
--Sure.
--Where do you want to go?
--I don't care. Whatever.
--How about pizza?
--No. Not pizza.
--Why not pizza? You said 'whatever'.
--Yeah, I know, but not pizza.
--What's up? I've never seen you turn down pizza.
--Yeah, well.
--You okay?
--Yeah.
--No really, what's up?
--Well, you promise you won't tell anyone?
--Yeah, sure.
--Well, you know the girl I've been seeing for the past few months?
--Angela? Yeah, she's real nice. What does this have to do with pizza?
--Well, a lot really.
--Okay. I'm waiting. Hey -- I know, she told you not to eat so much pizza cause it's making you fat, right?
--No, that's not it.
--Okay, what?
--Well, it's kind of weird.
--This conversation is weird, and I'm hungry.
--Okay, well, Angela, well, she kind of, well, she kind of smells like pizza.
--What? She doesn't smell like pizza. You're full of shit.
--No, she does. I mean it, she really does.
--I've stood right next to her, I think I'd notice if she smelled like pizza.
--Well, I don't mean her whole body, I mean, well, she smells like pizza down there, you know, between her legs.
--What the fuck? Are you telling me her pussy smells like pizza?
--Yeah. Yes.
--You are so full of shit.
--I'm not lying, man; it's true. I noticed it the first time we did it, you know. I mean, I noticed it, but I just thought it was weird the first time. I don't know, I thought maybe it was me, like I was smelling my own pizza breath or something, anyway, I didn't think about it too much till the second or third time I went down on her, you know. Then it really starting getting on my mind, I was like, man, this girl really smells like pizza. And then I really started getting into it, you know. She told me she really likes how much I go down on her. She told me I do it more than any other boyfriend she's ever had. But I just love it, man. It's like burying your face in pizza, man, and I can't get enough. I can go at it forever man, it's just so delicious, you know, it's like, pizzalicious.
--Pizzalicious? Did you just say 'pizzalicious'? You make that word up? You're nuts man.
--It's true, it's the absolute truth, I swear.
--Have you told her she smells like pizza?
--Yeah, right, you're gonna tell a girl her pussy smells like pizza, that's a good idea. That's a really good idea. What's she gonna think? She'll get all self-conscious and shit, and all worried. And then she'll probably start douching herself out or something to get rid of the smell, and where does that leave me, huh? Smelling some sick-sweet lavender bullshit flower crap smell instead of pizzalicious.
--There's no such word as pizzalicious.
--Whatever.
--Maybe she douches with some kind of pizza douche cause she knows you like pizza so much.
--I don't think so.
--But you don't know so.
--As many times as I've been over to her place, I think I'd notice a bottle of pizza flavored douche sitting around at some point. Why would anyone even make pizza-flavored douche? And anyway, it's stronger after she exercises.
--What do you mean?
--Well, she likes to bike, so a couple of times we've biked around in the park and then gone back to her place and done it, and it's like being in a fucking pizzeria on fire, man.
--Is she Italian?
--I don't think so.
--Well, what is she?
-- I don't know, Scandinavian or something.
--She's not Scandinavian.
--How do you know?
--Cause you can look at her and tell she's not Scandinavian, you moron.
--Well, I don't know what she is.
--I think she's Italian.
--So you think she smells like pizza because she's Italian?
--It's as good a guess as anything. I mean, unless you think she rubs pizza in her panties before she comes to see you.
--I don't think so. I mean there's no sauce or cheese or anything, just the smell.
--What kind of pizza is it?
--What?
--You know, does it smell like pepperoni or sausage pizza? Hey, or anchovies?
--You're real funny. It just smells like cheese pizza. Come on, let’s stop talking about Angela and go get something to eat.
--Fine, but why can't we go eat pizza? Are you getting tired of Angela? You getting ready to dump her? Too much pizzaliciousness for you?
--No, that's not it. It's just, well, it's just lately, now, when I eat pizza, I kind of get hard, you know.
--You what? Are you saying you get a hard-on from eating pizza?
--Sometimes just from smelling it.
--That is so fucked up.
--Well, it didn't happen before I met Angela. But anyway, I don't eat pizza out much anymore, cause it's kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I have to sit there for like 20 minutes or more before I can leave a restaurant. It's annoying.
--I gotta see this. We're going to go get some pizza my friend. My treat. Cause I think you're bullshitting me all the way.
--You want to watch me get a hard-on?
--Well, okay, you put it that way it sounds kind of fucked up. But I still think you're yanking my chain.
--Sometimes I can run into the bathroom and turn on the water or think about baseball or something for a while and then I can leave. If I leave quickly. Mostly I've just been only eating pizza at home. Or over at Angela's house. We order it delivered and it's like bingo, the aphrodisiac special, man. So at least for now it's not so bad not being able to go to a pizza place. We'll see how things go.
--Yeah, you two have been going out for like almost four months now, eh? That's a long time for you.
--Well, you know how much I like pizza.
--Shit. You are such a wank. C'mon, let's go eat. How about Chinese?
--No. Not Chinese.
--Uh oh, oh no, why not Chinese?
--Aahh, I'm just yanking your chain. Chinese is fine. Let's go.
Nothing is known about Vince LiCata.
